One Door Closes? ? Maura Me to Love

September 6, 2011 by Maura

There is a benefit to putting in a whole lot of angst and worry into turning 30.? By the time it actually arrives, you?ve already got a good 82% of it out of your system.? (That 82 is a very specific, calculated percentage by the way.)

I told my girlfriend this when she asked me how I felt about the milestone, which is now just one lil? week from today.? She and I, along with 3 other girlfriends, will board a plane to Miami tomorrow night to say goodbye to my twenties and celebrate a new chapter.? While wearing hooker heels and short dresses, obviously.

Maybe I?ll shake the last 18% out of my system along the sands of South Beach.? Or maybe that last bit of angst works itself out throughout your entire 30th year.? Where you realize maybe life isn?t so bad, and oh how clich? ? has only just begun.

Either way, we?re definitely not there yet.? In my last post I told you how so many gal pals were getting married and more specifically, having babies.? Trust me, I?m nowhere near the ?let?s be responsible for a whole ?nother human life? next step.? But as I watch so many lives around me unfold ? in the form of relationships, engagements, marriages and pregnancies ? I?m struck with the intense desire to not be left behind.? And when I look at the lives of my friends and family, I?m very much on the other side of the line.? It?s just sorta the fact.

No one wanted to be chosen last as the 1st graders picked teams for kickball.? It doesn?t change when you?re a big girl.

I did lots of driving this week ? it?s where I do all my melodramatic thinking, with the shower and the ground being a close second.? Driving along the congested LA freeways, I decided that my only choice was to live the best, most interesting life possible ? all while hoping, with absolutely no guarantee, that it?s my turn one day.

I also decided in the middle of the freeway that writing about that life wasn?t going to do me any good, any more.? Sometimes the blog ? which is very much based on my single-hood ? is an annoying, flashing reminder.? Some nights as I write a post I feel like I?m in the naughty corner writing ?I am alone? on the blackboard 500 times.? Or like I?m typing out the lyrics to a whiney Sarah McLachlan album.? Me being single ? and as of late, dateless ? doesn?t really need to be pointed out all the time.? Particularly by yours truly.? Trust me, most days,? I don?t need the reminder.? I remember.

So with my birthday approaching, and a good one at that, I figured it was an appropriate time to say goodbye.? For the long haul?? I don?t really know.? I can?t promise I won?t pop up in your Google reader one day But it?s no secret that I post less these days, and I really do believe that if you want to do something ? to do it well, to be really good at it, you have to do it all the way.? I haven?t been doing that.

And I was surprised to hear myself saying that I didn?t want to do it all the way.? But I listened to my voice anyway.

So, what does that mean?

Well one, it means Alessio ? you?ll actually have to call me to find out what?s going on in my life.

It means I?ll just have to gather large groups of girlfriends to re-count those eye-gouging dates with over glasses of wine and sangria.? Or write emails with a massive CC list.

It also means that I can go back to a place and time where my life was mine, and private to some extent.? I never really thought I would miss that.? But I found myself realizing that in the long haul, being this vulnerable and blatantly honest might not be the surest path in dating.? (Cue the part where I realize why so many dating blogs are anonymous.)? I won?t miss the fear that an employee, client, or the clincher ? a guy ? is going to stumble upon my life and unabashed inner monologue.

But I will miss the lessons that the blog served.

The lessons of community, friendships, and single sisterhood.

The lessons of criticism and judgement.

The lesson that ? in reality ? being single and 30 is perhaps one of the best ?problems? you can have.? I have always lived a lucky and blessed life ? and this blog very much helped me acknowledge and appreciate that life.

Yet the best lesson, the best gift I?ve received in the past almost two years is finding my voice.? Both in my heart and through written word.? I still believe that to do something well, we have to do it all the way.? And that?s what I intend to do, just in a different space, in a different way, in a new year.

Perhaps that last 18% might be the most interesting, successful part of the ride.

But for now, thank you.? For letting me be me, for simply being you, and for making so many days that much brighter.? It was here that I started to really understand that there was indeed, more of me to love?

and I believe, more of me to come.

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Source: http://maurametolove.com/2011/09/06/one-door-closes/

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